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Hooknose (looking for feedback) (Forums : Writing & Stories : Hooknose (looking for feedback)) Locked
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Mar 8 2014 Anchor

Looking for feedback on this story I'm writing as a prototype right now. It's not the real thing but more like me taking my ideas out of my head as is. Tell me what you think:

The Adventures of Hooknose in the Non-Sense Fantasy

Somewhere out there in the universe, there is a dark, malevolent, disgusting, and foul smelling place. Here lies the most disgusting creature you have ever seen. Yes, he is human, but to look at him one could not tell if he was...

Wait, wait, wait. I just realized this isn't my autobiography. Never mind what I said.

Uhh...anyways, in the year 50XX, the Non-Sense Fantasy, the most wonderful and glorious fantasy a mental patient could possibly have, is on the verge of destruction. The evil Xavier, the king of the vampires, has unleashed his evil Knife army to finally take over the Non-Sense Fantasy. His aim is to reform the entire planet and everyone in it: men, women, children, cats, dogs, and yes, even that homeless guy that runs around naked in front of the schoolyard, are being sent to Reform Camps, but once they go in, no one hears from them again.

But not all is lost. For there is a lone hero, the only one who has the courage, the will, the bravery, and the strength to take on this wicked vampire. If his legends and tales are for true, then he is the last hope for the Non-Sense Fantasy. His name is...Seabockies! Which is a shame that he's gone missing now so all we have left is Hooknose. We might as well give up by this point!

Our story takes us to the town of Whatisupwiththisgit as the Knife army, an army made up of bio-engineered knives...or something, has taken over the place. All the citizens of the town have been stuffed into wagons whose destination are the Reform Camps. However, they haven't departed yet because there is still one more person they must find.

"General." asks one of the knife soldiers to his commanding officer who was relaxing in a reclining chair, drinking some fruit punch, "We can't find the remaining girl. I think she's ran away."

"Nonsense." said the General, "She's still here. We barricaded the entire town. There is no way she can escape."

"But sir, I heard she has magical powers. Maybe she flew away."

The General spits out his drink out of surprise. "Magical powers! No one told me that!"

"Sir!" says the soldier as he wipes out the punch from himself, "Let's forget about her and hit the casino. Err...I mean, return to headquarters."

"We can't!" said the General as he licks the floor that has his spilled fruit punch, "We have orders to acquire every single person!"

"How are we supposed to find her if she flew away?" said the Soldier.

"Calm down!" says the General, "She probably put up a good fight like the others did, so she must be too tired to fly away. Keep searching for her. She must be here."

"Yes, sir." replies the soldier, "But do I do it now or after you stop licking me?"

The evil Xavier has given orders to find every single person in the entire planet and send them for reformation. No one is to be left alone or to escape. The girl they are looking for is of no exception.

"I FOUND HER!" yelled a knife soldier in the distance.

"Excellent!" shouts back the General right near the soldiers ear he just finished licking, "Bring her to me!"

The knife soldier who captured the girl brought over a crate with the girl clearly in it as you can here her struggling to get out of it.

"Why'd you put her in there?" said the General.

"Because she wouldn't shut up," replied the soldier, "and the crate was just lying there. It was practically asking me to stuff her in. Isn't that right?"

"Yeah, that's right." replied the crate.

The soldier opened the crate and inside was the girl alright. She had blond hair with two ponytails on the side. She had round, blue eyes, a very soft and bright skin complexion, wore a white dress shirt with shoulders that were puffed up, a red skirt with frills, and black shoes. The soldier dumps her into the ground.

"OW!" shouts the girl.

"Well, well, well." says the General, "Thought you could get away huh?"

"What do you think you're doing?" said the girl.

"Silence!" said the General as he stomped the girl onto the ground with his boot, "I give the orders here."

The girl slowly got up again. "Leave my town alone!"

"I said silence!" The General kicks her and then addresses his soldiers, "Tie her up!"

After she was tied up to a nearby post, the General came up to her and said, "Think you can escape the Knife Army? Think again! HA HA HA HA HA!"

"THIS IS NO WAY TO TREAT A LADY!" yelled the girl.

"You just won't shut up, won't ya? You want me to stuff you back into that crate?"

"No, no, that's okay." said the crate, "She didn't taste as good as I thought."

"Why did you attack my town!?" the girl shouts, "We didn't do anything! Why are you doing this!?"

"So you want to know why? Alright. Our great master Xavier, the king of the vampires, is reforming the entire planet and wants everyone in the whole planet to be sent to reformation camps for transformation. King Xavier's plans are almost complete and we need every single one of you weirdos to accomplish...uhh...whatever it is he wants to do."

"THAT'S HORRIBLE!"

"Sir," said a soldier, "Now that we've captured the last one, can we please go to the casino-err...I mean back to headquarters?"

"JUST YOU WAIT!" the girl yells, 'YOU'LL BE SORRY!"

The General has had enough of her yelling as he orders, "Will somebody please gag this girl up! She's giving me a headache!"

"JUST YOU WAIT!" yelled the girl, ''SEABOCKIES WILL COME AND RESCUE US! HE'S COMING! I KNOW IT!"

Everyone in the compound went silent and stopped what they were doing at the sound of that name. The soldiers who were searching the buildings ran to the windows, the soldiers eating lunch spat out their food, the guard dogs yelped and ran away, the guards locking the wagons freeze in place, and the prisoners who were captured escape from the wagons which were about to be locked, for that name that was called out sent a chill up their spines.

"SEABOCKIES IS COMING!" said one soldier.

"But he's gone missing!" said another.

"There's no way he's appearing now!" said another.

"Enough!" shouted the General, "It's just an empty threat! He has been missing for years now. He's probably long dead!"

"LOOK OVER THERE!" yelled a soldier with fear in his voice as he pointed east way. Radiating from the rising sun, the silhouette of someone walking briskly was seen.

"IT'S SEABOCKIES!" yelled the soldiers. The sudden arrival of this man had caused everyone to go in a masive panic as they wasted no time running around like a bunch of chickens in a coop.

"WE'RE GONNA DIE!"

"THE LEGEND HAS COME!"

"I WANT MY MOMMY!"

The General then shouted, "Knock it off! Look closely! It's not him!"

Everyone stopped to look upon the figure in the distance as it came closer and realized they made a mistake. It was a big, fat, puffin. He was a peddler.

"Hello." said the peddler, "Would you like to buy some wigs dipped in raspberry jam?"

Everyone looked in confusion at the sudden appearance of the big bird. The General went up to the peddler and demanded, "Who are you?"

"I come here with a warning. A hero is off in the distance, and he is coming into this town right as I speak. Would you like to buy some wigs dipped in raspberry jam?"

"I KNEW IT!" started shouting the soldiers again.

"HE TRULY HAS COME!"

"WE'RE DOOMED!"

"ANYBODY GOT CHANGE FOR THE SODA MACHINE!"

The General, with a worried look on his face, said, "Impossible. Seabockies has been missing for years. Why is he suddenly here!"

"I told you!" said the girl, "Seabockies has come back and he's going to free us all from Xavier!"

The General addressed his troops, "I'm not convinced! Come, everyone. We're going to confront this so called 'hero' and see for ourselves if it really is Seabockies! I have a feeling it's just some fool whose trying to take his credit!"

And so they did. Taking the girl along, all soldiers on foot, helicopter, tanks, wagons and lunch trucks headed eastward. After some time of marching, someone's figure was spotted. It was a man of average height, covered in a purple burkha.

"Is that him?" said a soldier.

The General got in front and yelled, "You there. You are in the presence of the Knife Army. We demand you halt and reveal yourself."

The man mysterious man indeed halted but asked, "What do you want with me?"

"Did you not hear me?" replied the General, "We are the Knife Army. You are to report to a Reformation Camp for transformation."

"Do you know who I am?" replied the mysterious man in a strong and confident voice.

"Don't you dare oppose us. You can fool others but you can't fool me. You are not Seabockies! You're probably spreading that rumor to cause confusion or because you're full of yourself."

"Who ever said I was Seabockies?"

This statement by the mysterious man had caused confusion amongst the flank of knife soldiers. They didn't knew if this was really the legendary Seabockies trying to trick them, or it was really someone else who would dare compare himself to the legendary one. The General was also confounded, but replied, "Uhh...of...of course you're not. I just said that. Tell me, who are you, and why are you wearing that ridiculous thing?"

"You want to know who I am?" said the mysterious stranger in a subtle yet stern voice, "Very well. I am a great hero who has come from the far lands of Gitdatfudgeout. No one has heard of my exploits because I have been training for years in the Blitz Cold Mountains, drinking ice cold water, surviving ice cold winters, sleeping in ice cold caves. All this was for my training, for I would train night and day in the blistering cold, suffering from the clash of the icy daggers of the merciless environment. Comfort was a foreign word in those parts, because in order to survive, you had to fight off the never ending winter that eternally slaughters the faint of heart."

"Training?" asked the General, "In the Blitz Cold Mountains? Isn't that a ski resort?"

"Uhh..." said the mysterious man, "Yeah...but I couldn't afford a room, but that's fine because all my struggles of fighting off the cold, harsh, winter days of those freezing mountains gave me the strength and endurance to fight off evil doers like you and your king, Xavier."

"Sounds to me like you're just a bum who couldn't afford a room."

"Regardless, you will soon know the face of a true hero." The mysterious man suddenly began running towards the coup.

The General seeing this ordered, "This is just some worthless bum! GET HIM!"

The Knife Soldiers took out their swords, the swords took out their daggers, and everyone started shouting war cries as they rushed towards the mysterious man. As the two were about the clash, the mysterious man leaps up into the air and takes flight. His burkha flutters majestically against the morning light as he leaps over the pointed ends of the knife soldiers. Everyone was in awe at the sight of the man soaring the sky like that a bird gliding with its wings spread open. Not even the coffee stain on the burkha could ruin this moment. The mysterious man landed on the other side of the knife soldiers in front of the girl tied to the post and unts her.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

The girl could not answer for the heroics of the mysterious left her shocked and awed. She didn't knew if this was Seabockies in disguise or some stranger with as much gusto as the legendary hero. Questions were running in her mind: Could there be another hero just like Seabockies? Is this man related to him? Does the world now have two heroes to protect them? Why does he have a particular smell that is neither pleasant nor offensive all the same?

"Who are you?" said the General who was stunned by the display, "I DEMAND TO KNOW!"

"The mysterious man stood up tall and proud and proclaimed, "Who am I? I am the new hero of this generation. No innocent shall be the victim of Xavier and his Knife Army. I am the last hope for this planet. I am HOOKNOSE!"

The entire row of soldiers went quiet upon hearing these words. Then they started murmuring amongst each other.

"Hooknose?"

"What's a Hooknose?"

"This guy is weird."

"What IS that smell?"

The General then spoke, "Never heard of you."

"Don't worry. You will eventually." said the one named Hooknose.

"Born from the town of the Gitdatfudgeout, Hooknose was a natural born hero. He has long, silky, beautiful blonde hair, his face is that of a roman gladiator, full of vigor and bravery. His strong, masculine, and sweaty muscles glisten in the sunlight of the morning star. His height resonates with the gods of Olympus, standing tall, and imposing. The scars on his body signal his triumph over many adversities. Who would dare attack this man who was more than mortal?" said Hooknose.

The knife soldiers were left speechless as they stood in silence, puzzled. The Knife General spoke up, "What was that just now? Did you really just described yourself in third person?"

"Yes. What is wrong with that?" replied Hooknose.

"How about you take off that stupid thing you are wearing and show us who you really are?"

"I'm afraid I can't." replied Hooknose, "You see. My handsome looks are beyond mere commoners-"

"Stop being full of yourself!" said the General angrily, "You're just a nobody. Everyone, get him!" Upon this order, the entire knife army rushed towards him. Hooknose did not react, as he just stood there in place. He turned around and faced his foes, who were all running like crazed lunatics, like a riot gone out of control, or a black friday full of fat soccer moms. Then, out of the opening of the burkha that Hooknose was wearing, something came out. It was too fast for anyone to see and it started whipping everyone! Whatever this thing was, it was quick, made a sharp 'snap' noise every time it hit someone, and the strikes were as precise as they were painful. Watch as the knife soldiers on the left flank get tossed into the air, observe as the knife soldiers on the right flank grovel onto the floor, see how the General gets grabbed by the mysterious thing only to get slammed onto the floor, witness how the girl screams from the infernal pain of the whipping, contemplate on why he keeps attacking that poor little dog that just so happen to be there, minding his own business.

After all was said and done, the mysterious thing was taken back inside the opening of the burkha. Whatever that thing was, considerable damage was done to the area as you can witness all the knife soldiers, bellowing from the pain, the floor cracked in hundreds of places, the nearby parked cars with their broken windows, and the choir of car alarms going off.

"Who..." said the General as he coward on the floor, "WHO ARE YOU!?"

"Did I not just say who I was." Responded Hooknose, "I am the new hero of the Non-Sense Fantasy. I am the one who is going to save this world from the evil Xavier. I am HOOKNOSE!"

Then suddenly, a bird poops on him.

"AAAHHHHH! BIRD POO!" he yells as he runs around, screaming like a child who had just stepped on a anthill.

"AAAHHHHH! ANTS!" he screams as he realizes that he did indeed step on a anthill as the ants start crawling on his burkha.

"AAAHHHHH! GET THIS DOG OFF OF ME!" he yells as the dog he whipped starts biting his ankle.

All the knife soldiers stare at this crazy man who is in a complete mad panic. Having no choice, he tosses his burkha, relieving himself of the ants and the bird droppings. The knife soldiers, who were already stunned at his behavior, become even more frigid to the unveiling of the one known as Hooknose.

Then they laughed. Turns out that the magnificent Hooknose was nothing more than some skinny guy with a rounded head, little tiny eyes, and a really big and silly looking hook for a nose. See how everyone has a hearty chuckle at this embarrassing display.

Of course the General laughs the hardest as he comments, "THIS! This is what you are? HO HO HO HO!"

Looks like the cat is out of the bag for Hooknose as his reputation has been ruined before he could create it. Regardless, he proclaims, "Alright, so you found about me. That still doesn't change things."

"Enough of this!" said the General, "Such an ugly person like you is in need of reformation. Come with us!"

"Oh thank you." said Hooknose, "That's the nicest thing someone has ever said to me."

"I didn't complement you! I said you were ugly!"

"What? Oh, I keep thinking that's a compliment."

"Enough of this! GET HIM!"

The knife army resumed their charging and went after Hooknose once again. Hooknose's nose... Hooknose' nose...Hooknosssess...err....the ugly guy's nose seems to be more than just an really ugly accessory. Hooknose orders it to speed off at a incredible fast speed, however he did not use it to attack as it gets launched to the farthest it can. When the knife soldiers were inches away from Hooknose, the hook comes back, only to pass him at a incredible speed and disappear in the distance once again. The knife army stops as they witnes the hook speeding off, thinking they were going to get another whipping, however they kept noticing that the hook kept passing by them over and over. Then, a great tug was felt as they were pressed against each other. Turns out that the wire the hook was attached too, which in turn is attached to Hooknose, was encircling them. When the knives where all bunched together by the wire, the hook latched onto a nearby statue of a pole.

"HA!" said the General, "You think that's going to work?" He then addressed his soldiers, "Hurry up and cut that cord!"

"We can't!" replied the soldiers, "No matter how hard we try, it won't get cut!"

"Try as you may," said Hooknose, "but I've replaced the cord of my hook with one made of metal instead of the veins, tendons, and nerves that it originally had. I also increased the size of the cord by a thousand miles. It required me to sacrifice half of my brain, but it wasn't like I was using it or anything."

The General, in a panic, could not figure out what to do at this point, for he traded in his weapon for a sandwich earlier. He decided that his best course of action was to leave and started running off.

"HEY! YOU FORGOT SOMETHING!" shouts Hooknose as he musters his strength to lift the entire legion he just apprehended with his hook and tosses them back at the General, which created a giant crash as the knives were scattered all about. Nobody wasted any time as they got up started running away while the General shouted "YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THE LAST OF US! JUST YOU WAIT YOU UGLY FREAK!" and ran off into the distance.

"Well..." said Hooknose as he dusted himself, "That was a waste of time." He walks up to his burkha, all trampled and dirty. "What a waste. I was planning on eating this thing."

"Excuse me." a voice was heard. It was the girl.

"Oh?" asked Hooknose as he lowered to her height. "Who may you be?"

"I'm over here." said the girl as she witnessed Hooknose talking to a some roadkill.

"Oh." said Hooknose as he turns around. "Sorry about that."

"DOWN HERE!" yells the girl as Hooknose keeps staring into sun.

"Where?"

"Below you!"

Hooknose lowers his head, "I can't see you!"

"Open your eyes, you idiot!"

And so he did. "OH! There you are! So...uh...what do you want?"

"You just beat those knife soldiers like it was nothing!"

"Yeah, so?"

"Who are you? Where do you come from?"

"Who am I?" said Hooknose with a somber tone of voice, "I'm nobody."

"You said your name was Hooknose."

"I did? Oh, then I guess I am somebody. Yeah, I'm Hooknose. Been wandering around, looking for a job so I can get some cash. Decided that being a hero sounds like a good career, but so far I haven't gotten payed."

"You mean paid?"

"Yeah. Payed."

"Huh? Well, anyways. I need your help."

Hooknose gave a surprise look as he replies, "You need MY help?"

"You got to help me find my friend, Seabockies."

"SEABOCKIES! You mean...that guy...who works in the convenient store?"

"No. Seabockies is a legendary hero. He's gone missing years ago and I've been searching for him since."

"Years? How old are you?"

"Well..." said the girl with a smug look on her face, "I may not look like it, but I am a magical girl, and we are capable of living for a hundred thousand years at a time. This may surprise you, but I'm actually two hundred years old."

"You look like you're ten."

The girl gave a look of disapproval, "Yeah...but I'm not. I'm two hundred."

"Stop lying."

"I'm not lying. I am two hundred and my friend Seabockies is missing."

"SEABOCKIES! You mean...that guy...who works in the convenient store?"

"I thought I just said no about that.."

"Well you thought wrong."

The girl was starting to get disgruntled at this buffoon, but then got an idea. "No." she said in a sarcastic mood, "My friend Seabockies is actually a billionaire who is looking for a bodyguard."

Hooknose's face suddenly got vibrant. "THAT'S ME! I can be his moneyguard."

"Uh...yeah, sure, why not. Anyways, I've heard a rumor that he's about to face Xavier all by himself. He disappeared years ago to train, but he wanted to train in secret, so-"

Hooknose yawns as he finds the story boring. "Wake me up when you get to the money."

The girl was starting to get fed up with this baboon, but decided to just do what he asked for, "He has a billion dollars and is about to die. If you help him, then he might give you all his money as your inheritance."

"Alright! Don't worry little lady. I'll find Mr. Moneybags." Hooknose clears his throat and proclaims, "Follow me young one. For I, the brave Hooknose, protector of the weak, defender of the innocent, abuser of the weak and innocent, and world traveler of this strange and unusual realm, will find your friend Seabockies and both of us will defeat the evil Xavier and take all of his money. Come now, child."

"I'M NOT A CHILD! I'M TWO HUNDRED YEARS OLD!" she yells.

"Yeah, keep thinking that." said Hooknose, "Maybe it'll come true someday."

The girl was about to respond but suddenly notices something, "You know that dog is still biting your leg."

"Yeah, keep thinking that." said Hooknose, "Maybe it'll come true someday."

Giving a look of disapproval, the girl thought to herself, "I'm starting to have my doubts about having this guy help me, but I need all the help I can get to find Seabockies, and even though he's crazy and really stupid, he's really strong."

Then suddenly, giant crabs started destroying the area.

Edited by: Toolkitz

Apr 10 2014 Anchor

This is heavily dependent on dialogue and it looks like you've chosen to be very lazy with your imagery. The one thing that immediately puts me off about this is your intro. The opening line does not captivate and your reader will jump ship. Would you be interested in trying to approach this again?

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